From Russia with Love

Some notes to myself….

Day 0

I am not sure what I need to be more worried about when I get picked up by a designated chauffeur in Russia, the strong smell of vodka on his breath or the unbearable smell of gasoline floating inside the car that makes you think that 30 more seconds of inhaling those fumes you could immolate yourself. Then you are gruffly told that there is no need to wear seat belts, on your non compliance, the chauffeur will proceed to unhinge the seat belt (thinking that I can’t do it myself) and tie it to the back of the seat, from where it’s humanly impossible to reach for it again (unless of course you are an Indian god with 4 sets of arms).

Your spine feels like a wound up spring with all the tension from the 72 minute drive on wet roads with no ABS Brakes in a Volga GAZ 311005, all you want is to check in to the hotel and make it to the bar in 1 piece to get yourself a drink to take the edge off.

You are told your hotel room will cost 200$ for day 1 and the price will increase from Day 2 to 300 $ because of the high occupancy. I am too tired, too scared and too not bothered to question why high occupancy relates to high rates? Imagine the prospect of having to get out of the hotel again, flag down another cab and find another hotel. Quick check in, hand over passport and Credit Card for them to register you with the Local Police and max out your credit card.

Move to the bar -> Young man of 21 working at bar.. looks like his dog died this morning… Ask for beer, no acknowledgement, he has walked away from bar to the kitchen, comes out with new glass, why not stock glasses at the bar? Isn’t that what a bar is supposed to have – Alcohol and those little things to serve the alcohol in?. Barman still looks like he is grieving the death of his dog. His colleague appears a drop dead gorgeous blonde who stands 2 head lengths taller than him and me. She has got that look in her eye that she killed someone’s dog this morning.

Swig the beer down quickly to avoid being assassinated, work my way to restaurant with colleagues. Another hot blonde with assassin looks (no pun intended) offers to serve us. The concept of “service with a smile” has not reached this part of the world as yet. We ask for a table with a view of the city, a short and crisp response “NO”. We wait to be seated, while being seated a colleague mentions, “Before we order, could we get some water and bread?”, another short response, “Wait”!

We order 2 medium and 1 well done steak and plate of fresh Halibut, what we get is 2 burnt steaks which are the size of a medal and ready to crumble at the first prick of our forks, we also get 1 well done steak and fish fingers for the rest of the order. The dinner has cost us 200$. We decide to not order desserts, hop out of the hotel, walk across to the McDonalds and order ourselves a McFlurry.

Day 1

Long day today, early start at 6 in the a.m. The shower keeps going from hot to cold every 30 seconds, I decide to limit my shower time to 120 seconds, end on a high, when the water is still warm.

Visiting customers, it’s been one meeting after the other, snarling traffic, crashing cars a plenty, convoys of Black Mercedez being patrolled by huge Humvees on the roads. They are not politicians; they are just medium sized business owners. That’s Russia for you. It’s inching towards 14:00 and I am feeling hungry again. Gesture to my Russian colleague that we must eat something quick before I swallow my tongue, maybe some fast food will do as well. He assures me, we will eat soon, very soon, he is driving us straight to our food. He makes long call in Russian, sounds like he has just ordered to get some humans eliminated from this planet, with the definitive Russian “Da” which means yes.

20 Mins more of driving around crazy traffic, all I can see is Golden Arches around me, it’s a mirage!!! Suddenly colleague screeches to a halt in the middle of a busy intersection, orders us to leave car and walk across to the other side where we will find colleague 2. We sputter – “But, but, what about the food??”. He smiles – First smile I’ve seen since I landed, and drives off.

Our mothers are very heavily abused at in rough Russian. Don’t know if it was the fact that we couldn’t understand what the irate drivers shouted or the enormity of our hunger or the fear of being driven over, but we managed to stay focused and cross the street. Inside the car of colleague 2, we were hoping for Chicken Nuggets, Slices of Pizza, Quarter Pounders with Cheese, Milk Shakes and Cokes. What we got was dry bread, hot water with vegetables(also known as soup), dry piece of meat which would work very well as a shoe sole with cabbage leaves which were a few days older than my dog’s mother. The hunger pangs disappear in a jiffy.

Evening falls we settle for some local expertise to find a decent restaurant to have a square meal. This has gone off wonderfully well. Post dinner: The Russians are good at entertaining; they take us to the local hot spots. The women in Russia need to be given a lifetime achievement award for redefining the word “HOT”. If only they’d learn to smile once in a while.

Day 2 and Day 3 to follow soon…..